Part 2

It’s a stressful time for parents and by now they will all have had the dreaded “list” from their beloved offspring. Saying no or holding out for something is not often a part of the holiday ritual; at least not for the parents…

It turns out that children are natural negotiators and that adults are too, but we have lost this skill during our everyday activities and the confrontations we have during our lives.

So let’s negotiate with our kids!

In Part 1 we covered 2 tips from Alan Smith a negotiation Guru from Scotwork and he has three more very useful tips to consider when we need to work with our children to reach a happy compromise!

3) Asking for what they want. Kids are very clear about what they want and are not afraid of asking for it. See the length and specificity of the list for Santa. Somehow we seem to lose this directness as we get older and seem afraid of having being rejected. When you are negotiating get used to the other side saying no and actually welcome it. It shows that you are pushing hard for the deal. Experience suggests that kids do not seem to see no as the end of the negotiating process more like the beginning. This is where creativity comes back into the mix. The more variables you have to play with the more you can sweeten the deal with concessions, if needed to protect the bigger picture. 

4) Watch out for hollow threats. They destroy all your credibility. A friend of mine told his son that if he didn’t stop running up and down the corridor he would throw him out of the window. After the initial look disappeared from the boy’s face he started running again. He knew his father would never carry out that one! and funnily enough he didn’t! In doing so dad had made himself look foolish and will then find it hard to regain credibility. Unrealistic or barking mad threats and proposals will not solve a conflict. At best, they will create an argument. Many parents freely admit to making threats that they know that they cannot stick to. Threats and sanctions are powerful ways of building your power in the negotiating arena. Use them, but use them sparingly and only when you are prepared to follow them through. Draw an empty gun and it will only backfire. 

5) Ask lots of questions. Why? Why? Why? Anyone with a 3 year old will tell you that once that question has been learned it is used with much and irritating frequency. Kids want to understand and they are driven by the desire to soak up as much as they can from the world around them. Why can’t I have a pony for Christmas? Why, why, why? They are not worried about looking foolish by asking simple questions over and over again. Act like an idiot but think intelligently is good general advice. 

Good negotiators do a lot of the stuff that comes naturally to our kids. Avoid the lying on the floor tantrums, but use some of the ideas above to get better at creating good deals.

So that’s it; we must get back to negotiating and actually it may just be great fun and will undoubtedly increase your interaction with the kids. They’ll love you the more for it.

Thanks Alan; really interesting!